…”to take a lesson from the strangeness you feel And know you’ll never be the same
And find it in your heart to kneel down and say I gave my love, didn’t I? …”
-K.D. Lang Hymns of the 49th Parallel
One of the legacies my parents left me is a love of books and music. Music speaks to me as nothing else does. I recently was advised to buy the K.D. Lang CD listed above. I have not been able to get enough of it. I play it in the car, in my office, and at home. It is a love album of sorts. I extracted the lines above as this so reminded me of our survivor journey.
We always speak of how different our lives are after the death. We hear that we will never be the same. We speak of a “new normal.” We speak in terms like “before” and “after.” We feel so many emotions. We feel weird, floaty, and strange. We know, and are told, that we will never be the same. Then we berate ourselves. The “if only’s”, the “why didn’t I see”, “why didn’t I know”, “why didn’t I prevent this” fills our heads twenty-four hours a day. This is in the beginning stages of our grief.
As our grief becomes softer, it is important as the lines above state, that we find it in our hearts to kneel down and say that I gave my love.
We are human. We laugh, we cry, we love, we hate. We become angry and say mean things. We love and say loving things. Unfortunately, in our humanness, we remember the bad things much more than we remember the good. When a loved one dies, the guilt begins right away. When any loved one dies for any reason, the guilt sets in. We remember the fights, the times we didn’t respond as they may have wanted us to, and the times that were simply unpleasant. Gradually, as our grief works itself through, we remember the good times as well. We need to get to a place where all of a life is remembered: the good and the bad. And, one day, we arrive. We remember mostly the good, we smile, and we are grateful for the time we had with them. That is healthy grief. “And find it in your heart to kneel down and say I gave love, didn’t I?”
What a lovely phrase. Yes, we made mistakes. Yes, we lead a human existence with our loved one. But we gave them love…and they gave us love. The moving music of the K.D. Lang album, actually brings me to tears. I grew up with music – all kinds of music, from opera to jazz to crooners of the 30’s and 40’s. I learned to play the piano starting at the age of 6. My parents would often ask me to just sit and play and my dad could be moved to tears by some of those songs. It was not unusual for our family of four to spend an evening listening to music while reading. This is a gift from my parents. They gave me their love… and I gave them mine.
The darkness and despair of winter has given way to the beauty and promise of spring. Let the”winter of our soul”, where we remember the negatives and dwell on the darker side of life, give way to the promise of spring where we remember all that was good and wonderful about our relationship. Let us”lighten up.” Smell the glory of spring. Breathe in the rich smell of the earth and the sweet smell of flowers. Listen to the birds sing. Feel the warmth of the sun on your face and on your back. Lighten your step. Reach into your soul and remember how connected you are to others. As survivors, we connect. Do not take for granted things that exist but explore them and rejoice.
“For every season there is a time…
Lift your face to the sun and remember the love. Always remember the love… the love given… the love taken…and the eternal love that lives within our hearts.
